Deal with my devil

You call me crazy and treate me like a shit,

But i have made a deal with the devil.

Born out of disparity, hatred and selfishness,

My devil is a survivor.

In a world full of perceptions, 

I was thought to be a slave of ages old rules and mentality.

And so i did, what was told.

Througout my life , my devil was tested,

With tantrums, arrogance, and some hardcore bitterness.

I get it, you were dealing with your own devil but trust me my devil is no saint.

Rose from the ashes of my sorrow, fears and depression, my devil is a phoenix.

I know sometimes, i let devil get hold of myself.

I also acknowledge that there's a very thin line between sanity and insanity and once that line crossed there's no coming back.

You say only god can save me ?

Why not try love , happiness and joy instead.

If you poke my devil , beware of your soul,

While feeding a devil , new devils are born..

If you wont ask, you wont know

Yes, i have tried asking her many times but boy oh boy i couldn't. oh my heart what the hell do you want ? They said heart knows what it wants. Heart knows shit i say.

I dont know what will make me feel more queasy,  aftermath of rejection or overwhelmingness of acceptance.

I know i love you at this very moment and i want to say it out loud but then i have million questions. Some of them i want to ask it to myself, some left unanswered by you in the first place.

 i know i have fair share of flaws but so do you but why do i always feel like an underdog. How do i always end up in a situation like this. I think you might feel the same, but then how would i know. I wish telepathy was real.

I can't give you all the happiness in the world. When i dont know what it's like to have all the happiness myself. I promise that i wont promise any delusive standards, as i dont know what  future holds for both you and me. But i can definitely try little bit of all just for you.

I know my case is utterly boring and dull compared to your prince charming. But then i never intend to become one but you can be beauty to my beast.

Sometimes i also ponder about our future together. I dont know what will bother me more , your silence treatment  after our fights or you saying i love you when you wont mean it. Will you love me the way i do you ? I guess loneliness attracts misery.

I dont know what i am looking for , is it the certainty of some sort ? Some sort of approval ? Or just a simple sign ?

There's is immense possibility of what i am feeling is not love but then why am i so afraid of heartbreak. Am i letting my fear decide what i want ?

And for the much obvious of all assumptions so far, you dont love me. I get it, so presumptuous of me but who better than you to know that i can't afford to lose you.

Call me stupid but i am crazy about you at this moment. I dream about us being together. Trust me a smile on your face will get me through tough times. Maybe i'll get over you but for now i want to etch you in a beautiful memory.

Yes, i have feelings but now you know that i never intend to act on them. I guess, i wont know for sure what future holds for both of us, unless i ask ....

Sanity

Sanity, my sweet little insanity.
you have taken it all.
Are you listening to me ?
I don't know who i am anymore.
In a world full of perceptions and ideologies, i choose to be neutral.
Liberal you say ? Or as i was destined to fall.
You give someone unprecedented amount of power, sooner or later they tend to kill themselves with the same.
Atleast thats how i remember it's all started..


Sanity, my sweet little insanity.
I can barely tell the difference.
Is it mine, or is it your's ?
So many personalities i carry with me.
In a world where you get to choose who you want to be, i choose to be me.
Secular you say ? Or it was  just a wake up call.
There is no clear picture these days, some people wants to paint them black, some of them white, but someone like me is lost in those greys.
Atleast then i knew i was lost..


Sanity, my sweet little insanity.
There's nothing left at all.
Are we by-product of what we see ?
Because from where i stood, grass looked greener.
In a world full of hatred and disparity, i choose to love everyone.
Crime you say ? Or your heart is so small.
Call me insane, as i have no strings attached, but looks like someone is controlling those invisible strings yours.
And then i knew i was not the only one who needs a vantage point..

PS : We cannot change the reality but we can always change the perceptions.

Expectations

Oh you silly silly expectations,
Never ending expectations.
What is it this time ?
Spit it out, dont hesitate,
Lets just get on with it.
Life is too short to let you down.
I know, i sound a little frustrated,
Alas you are mother of all frustrations.

Yes i hide behind a wall of insecurities.
Insecurities sowed by you in the first place.
Now that the wall is trembling.
Dont left me all startled, be gentle.
Lets face it , Its all downhill from this moment onwards.
This time its different, it is going to be bigger than just you and me.

I am done giving you benifit of the doubt.
Dont take me worng, i am no wimpy someone,
Who intend to hide behind his fears.
No matter how scary shit u'll throw at me,
Trust issues not to mention,
I am gonna be ready , ready to  face you as a team.
A wall is made up of teamwork.
To face mother of all Expectations.

I am willing to trade

One may call up on the situation,
Some may say something is broken,
Other may ask you to rethink.
Does it even matter ?
Beacuse i am willing to trade..

Yes you heard it right,
I am all in,
I don't care about the losses,
To overwrite the history,
Lets start from the beginning..

I know life is not meant to be perfect,
Even i didn't care about,
I was ignorantly selfish and hypocrite.
Karma ? Who's that witch ?
So why is it bothering me now ?

Stop with your rolling eyes.
I haven't done anything illegal,
Ok just exploited few loopholes,
That doesn't count right ?
Because if it does we all are accounted for.

Lets rewind a little bit,
To put things in perspective.
Alas, sustainability is just a word for us,
A lesson that is never taken seriously.
Now we are on a brink of world's end.

I have seen it all.
God will take care of it all.
Who the hell are we to interfere with his will.
It's all written in the stars.
Some mindsets we grew up with..

I for one cannot change,
Typical he said / she said..
As usual , just looking for a shortcut.
You know , too much work to change year old mentalities.
So lets just get over it.

Too late , or is it ?
Lets just take one baby step at a time.
I for one cannot change anyone,
So why not just heal ourselves.
Mother earth will heal itself..

PS : Deep down we'll are afraid of dying, let this fear drive some positive changes.

Happiness - Part 2

Oh sad , oh sad , grieving little human.
Who said only fanatics can get me.
Why in the world you should only care for me.
I can be so much more.
You chase me as if i am some gold.
Gold or something that can be mold.

Hold on, hold on,  what did you say ?
You say i messed up.
Isn't it you blaming me for your fuck ups ?
Oh yeah, time changes everything.
Time is a bitch or life, is it ?
What was it last time, coz i am not your trophy wife.

Suck up , suck up, dont go insane.
Its the hormones, giving you the pain.
bad time will pass.
Dont loose yourself in the process.
Jolly old days will be back in the matter of time.
Time you spent sulking worth more than a dime.

Who say ? who say ? meticulous plan never fails.
Good / bad exist on same plane.
Everyone hits the rock bottom, you just entered the wrong lane.
look out for sliver lining.
white in the moment of grey.
I'll be served again , on the most beautiful tray. 

Happiness

Tried, oh i have tried..
Chasing you whole heartedly was my number one priority.
You see, people try ton of shit to get you.
Everybody seems to have an idea to get you.
But you, you cunning little bitch.
You come and go as you please.
They said, "money can't buy you", still i gave it a try.
I used to think, having you by my side will make it all sorted.
Its all complicated now, and i am perplexed more than ever.

Dreamt, oh i have dreamt..
A world full of construct, where everything is awesome.
Now even the thought of the idea makes me sick.
i was your biggest fan..
A sight of yours use to get me through tough times.
Maybe the time is not right or you were never the solution.
Am i broken ? Or the life has gotten more complicated.
Good bye sweet dreams, i have no time for you.

Met, oh i have met..
your alter ego, depression.
Times when you left me stranded, in between your short trips.
Everytime more destructive than ever.
Look i am still the same, atleast from the outside.
I still madly love you.
i will still find you in every little things.
Maybe you were never my number one priority.
Now i care for you no more than your alter ego.